True Passion

Funny how life changes...

I moved here in 1983, on a rainy Christmas day. Never had I thought so many experiences and adventures would would come to pass in the last 25 years. That day in the rain really felt like the beginning of my life.

I had always wanted to since I can remember had a dream to live in Northern California. I had the great pipe dream of maybe becoming an almost famous musician. I never thought in a million years that my true passion would turn out to be cycling. I'd always been in love with riding and it gave me a rush then that it still gives me to this day. I loved the freedom, the individuality I felt. I was in control and where I went and how fast was only up to me and no one else.

Unfortunately I didn't take it seriously like music. If I had had my choice I think looking back now I would have really pursued the sport of cycling more so than my music. I feel like my music has brought me more drudgery and disappointment than cycling ever has. Even after a bad ride I feel good and as though I've accomplished something.

My first real job here was as a bike messenger. I probably could have gotten a lot more out of it and I'd probably be further ahead than I am now if I hadn't been such a mess of a human being. I had an awful lot of problems and really didn't understand myself until my first breakdown in the early 90's. That is the time period when things started to become much clearer to me.

To go back a little, I had quit drugs and alcohol in 85, smoking in 87. Right after that, I won my first bike race and had a tremendous spiritual rebirth, which unfortunately has dissipated to some extent. I've tumbled back a couple of times but landed on my feet again.

I guess some part of me believes in a creative "Oversoul". I almost feel like I just don't have the energy to devote to the searching and soul adjustment that is required for someone who seeks the spiritual life. With cycling there's always something around the next corner and some new experience to be had and the social benefits are beyond anything I could ever imagine. Trancendence seems to come easy on the bike. Unfortunately my spirit is stuck in the mud a bit right now. The winter doldroms and being sick really is not helping much with my state of mind.

Another thing is that I tend to over psych myself for events and the San Bruno race was pretty major for me more than anyone could know. It was a very intense personal challenge...I wanted to make good and I feel that I'm happy with what I've done, but now the depression. I need to build again. I'm very tired...like worldly tired like many of you are.

You...
That's another thing...I'm beginning to understand each and everyone of you...yes you! I didn't have a clue about you. Not realizing we are so much alike. We need each other. I thought at one time I could go on and isolate myself from you, but it doesn't work. Sometimes the pain I recieve from you is not your intention and I know that now. I now feel blessed that you are with me in this. You feel the pain I feel. I feel the pain that is yours. I understand you more. There is so much good of you that I have missed because I have been stuck inside myself for so long. I will listen to you closer and spend more time trying to understand what is in your words and actions

Yes, I never knew that day in the rain with that great geographic re-location that my life would change so much. That all of you and I would have so much depth of meaning. That together we tell the story of life...we dance and we sing through time and space. We need each other we will learn to love each other and ourselves and we will...die trying.

Thought I would just through that out there...

Pete