The Day I Saw God...

The day I saw God...

Don't run away just yet! Get back here and finish reading...NOW!

It's been an emotional day today. I feel like the barrel of a gun has just been taken away from the temple of America...It's still loaded but it's pointed away. Maybe we still have a chance...

Now let's go back to when I had a nervous breakdown, I wasn't diagnosed for it, I didn't have a Psychiatrist or Doctor inform me that I had had a nervous breakdown, but I'm sure I did.

Circa: 1990-?
It had been a tough few years with nothing going right in my life, but somehow I had been able to just quit drinking, smoking and I felt driven, but my soul was so fragile, something was missing. Why was I here, why was I in such pain. The abuse I had experienced in my life and I felt like I was going through it again with the people that I worked for and I couldn't take it, I was having emotional flashbacks...There was no love in my heart and I was miserable...I wanted to stop the train...I wanted to get off and go home. I was going to leave the planet and I wasn't sure how to do it yet. I would not eat for days, cry all the time and all I wanted to do was literally die...I was having a breakdown. I remember having a panic attack on the Bay Bridge. I could see my self stopping my car which was suicide in itself and lifting my self up over the edge and into the water, it was going to be easy. I somehow got over the bridge and parked in a lot in South City and cried for 1 hour and didn't eat for three days, or talk.

One day I'm driving down the causeway south of Candlstick point listening to a pretty moving song called "Where Were You" by Jeff Beck (actually on my playlist).

It had just finished raining and the sky opened up with large spotlights of golden sunlight moving across the bay and one over my car like a scene out of "Close Encounters of a Third Kind". I felt the heat like never before and I was overwhelmed. So many thoughts and feelings happening at once. Then the waterworks and a warm feeling like a big hug from the Universe...It would be ok...The Universe made me feel wanted...

That's it!

No one spoke to me, didn't get to see angels, although the sunbeams were pretty trippy...

That day I felt that the barrel of a gun had been taken away from my temple. Pretty simple but pretty life changing in essence. I'm going through some change now, but I think it may be OK. Now is a time for change and I think I'm going to hop on the wave myself and use this day for a new, fresh start.

When Aretha started singing today I felt so proud of our country, how far black people had come through the fire and we all worked together to pull it off...It just was so emotional today...