Bikes Writing and Life Taxi777

Truth

,,,Truth...

I took a walk to the San Francisco Main library today. To tell the truth I was a little overwhelmed. The place was amazing!

All the words contained within all the many books. We humans are amazing. The innate hunger to express and to be a part of it all. How much is truth and what is fiction. When I walked out of the library I saw the sign above and I took it as an omen. What is appropriate truth and how much do I reveal when I communicate with other human beings. Could I be absolutely truthful and survive? Are the fundamental patterns we have to create fiction some innate survival mechanism? How much of either quality do I need and when to use it?...That's the question...

It's difficult to tell the truth...

It's inappropriate to be truthful at times

Being truthful could get you killed or maimed...

Where do you draw the line?

I think when I'm writing I can get closer to the truth. There's no person to person "fight or flight" emotion going on, which is a real bugger for me. Believe it or not I'm actually terrified of people. I'm better than I used to be though. Sometimes when I run into people my mouth moves of it's own accord while at the same time there's this tremendous dialogue going on between me, myself and I...

Me: Oh they hate me...

Myself: They'll find out I'm really stupid and vacuous!...

And I: I'm really not in the mood to talk to anyone, I'm very tired, can we go home and take a nap you two?

Silence between people is difficult...

Me: This is so uncomfortable and embarrassing!

Myself: OMG! I'm so retarded, I can't think of anything to say. They'll think I'm stupid and vacuous

And I: Can't we go home? I really have to go to the bathroom...

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I love my Dad, but he's one for never being able to leave space in a conversation. I could literally put the phone down, drive 3 miles to get a pizza and he'd still be yacking when I get back!

Touching is good, but limited. I love to touch. I hug all the time. It's such a beautiful act. I hug Cathy all the time, even when I'm absolutely pissed off at her. It really takes the air out of the sails of hostility! She talks and talks and talks...When I've had enough I curl her hair in my fingers or I massage her hands, oh the earlobe pull is the clincher! It's like rubbing an alligators belly.

Start pulling a guys earlobe and you'll probably get cuffed!

Guys like getting stuff thrown at them, like a rolled up ball of aluminum, paper, or whatever. They like the arm punch, but not to hard. It really is a sign of affection in an appropriate guy way. Then there's you want some gum? That's a good one, but the best, next to farting is to just talk about chicks! Even gay guys like to talk about chicks. Whenever you gals feel an itch in your ear that's usually a guy talking about you...We know how intuitive your species is!

We would never tell the truth of how we talk about chicks. Ladies you would be astounded at the beautiful things that are said about you in your absence!

Guy 1: How's the little wife?

Guy 2: Oh you mean my lovely princess who is home cooking me a meal fit for a king and dressing in sexy lingerie waiting for me to arrive home so I can show her what a stud I am?...

Guy 3: No, not your houseboy! He was asking about your wife.

See...that's how guys talk! An intellectual punch in the arm.

I was just thinking how yesterday talking to someone new, that I wanted to sound interesting and make an impression without overdoing it and coming off sounding like a Douche' !
I conscientiously made myself relax and let it flow honestly and it flowed. Maybe at 54 years old I'm finally learning about how to express myself and not worrying about my qualities, but more of understanding the quality to found in others. In other words knowing how to shut up and tell the truth. I'll write more...the sign told me...The Universe speaks.

Some more Picts from my afternoon....city hall

Inner Library
Maiden lane



Skyline

Fountain UN plaza

Farmers Market

Posted by Pete aka Taxi777 at 9:31 PM 0 comments  

Instructions From The Universe...

I'm practicing as much as I can fit in the time. I'm due for another CD...I want it to be my best ever....

I had a very busy day today...The Universe had some plans for me. As I've said in the past couple of weeks, I'm trying to really tune back into the "Master Plan" even if it takes some heavy equipment to do so.

The Universe is telling me to be a better person and try to get away from my self- centeredness...That's a tough one! I can be a pretty closed person due to my overiding self-protecting tendencies. I'm damaged and I'm trying to move away from that and build more trust with my friends. Ok Enough of my space alien crap...

I went to my lawyer today and took the last step in solving my financial woes...what a relief. On the way I met my friend Cathy (who I have a thing for) while I was with my wife Cathy...Hmmm "awkward" Neither Cathy cares, but my dirty mind racks me with guilt. It's tough being married always has been, even though we're open with our relationship (we were married as a convieniance due to parents who were obsessively shame ridden and religious , so we were too afraid to hurt them by living in sin, we vowed to each other that we have our own individual freedom and can leave anytime...32 years later we're still friends or as she say's roomates!), but that can make it worse when you care for the person you're with. Due to some people who read my blog and might be hurt by my openess, I won't expand on this anymore, but it was weird anyhow...We do enjoy each others company (most of the time).

I'll do a blog all about her one of these days, we have quite a history together!

I took her out to lunch today and we had a nice time. We love to act goofy. We're very, very good at it...It comes naturally!It was kind of Romantic, we got there after the lunch hour when the joint was empty! What service...I think they were just in a hurry to get home and our lame asses were keeping them there.

The food was terrific though...




-I can't believe how much ground I covered today and how much I was able to acomplish! Work was crazy, coming at me from all sides. Some how we got to Oakland and back...That city is the dead zone. Lot's of potential but nothing going on. It's actually a very pretty city...It's funny, I'm just going to say this. You know how you go to parts of California in cities where it's predominantly white and the genetics are blended properly without too much inbreeding? The people are stunningly beautiful. Oakland is the Black version of that! I've never seen so many stunningly beautitful black people in one area. Some of the woman just make my head explode! It's pretty interesting. I remember going through Shiloh New Mexico and seeing American Indians in person for the first time...So exotic and beautiful. I really think human beings are beautiful.

Black



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I went out for a night ride at the Polo fields in Golden Gate park. Ended up riding by myself, but it was ok. I did some interval work. On the way down I got some pretty cool sunset shots with my beat up Canon SD1100, it's taped and glued together, but still works pretty good minus the flash though and I can't see to well through the view finder, so I'm shooting from the hip most of the time...

I love the sunset, such I time when the spirit finds peace and must give up control...the day comes to an end and we must surrender. I'm feeling pretty mellow tonight...I came home and Cathy had made me a peanut butter and banana sandwich... yuummm... then told me she loved me! I told her I loved her and I would never leave her for another Cathy...I might have sex, but I wouldn't leave her and I know she wouldn't mind we've pretty much gone beyond the trials by fire.

We have an adopted dad who loves us very much and he's happy we're together...we're his kids, we love him. His name is John and we go everywhere with him...He was married to a woman for 30 years then she died and he fell in love with a man who he was with for a long time until he passed away after many years. John scattered his ashes in Père Lachaise Cemetery in France...We thought that was beautiful and so like him to do such a beautiful thing.

Here are some nice Sunset shots
By the way... here are the new uniforms for the newest cycling team:
Team Where The Hell Are We?.......
Well it's been a great day and I feel like maybe I'm starting to move forward...

Posted by Pete aka Taxi777 at 8:52 PM 0 comments  

The Day I Saw God...

The day I saw God...

Don't run away just yet! Get back here and finish reading...NOW!

It's been an emotional day today. I feel like the barrel of a gun has just been taken away from the temple of America...It's still loaded but it's pointed away. Maybe we still have a chance...

Now let's go back to when I had a nervous breakdown, I wasn't diagnosed for it, I didn't have a Psychiatrist or Doctor inform me that I had had a nervous breakdown, but I'm sure I did.

Circa: 1990-?
It had been a tough few years with nothing going right in my life, but somehow I had been able to just quit drinking, smoking and I felt driven, but my soul was so fragile, something was missing. Why was I here, why was I in such pain. The abuse I had experienced in my life and I felt like I was going through it again with the people that I worked for and I couldn't take it, I was having emotional flashbacks...There was no love in my heart and I was miserable...I wanted to stop the train...I wanted to get off and go home. I was going to leave the planet and I wasn't sure how to do it yet. I would not eat for days, cry all the time and all I wanted to do was literally die...I was having a breakdown. I remember having a panic attack on the Bay Bridge. I could see my self stopping my car which was suicide in itself and lifting my self up over the edge and into the water, it was going to be easy. I somehow got over the bridge and parked in a lot in South City and cried for 1 hour and didn't eat for three days, or talk.

One day I'm driving down the causeway south of Candlstick point listening to a pretty moving song called "Where Were You" by Jeff Beck (actually on my playlist).

It had just finished raining and the sky opened up with large spotlights of golden sunlight moving across the bay and one over my car like a scene out of "Close Encounters of a Third Kind". I felt the heat like never before and I was overwhelmed. So many thoughts and feelings happening at once. Then the waterworks and a warm feeling like a big hug from the Universe...It would be ok...The Universe made me feel wanted...

That's it!

No one spoke to me, didn't get to see angels, although the sunbeams were pretty trippy...

That day I felt that the barrel of a gun had been taken away from my temple. Pretty simple but pretty life changing in essence. I'm going through some change now, but I think it may be OK. Now is a time for change and I think I'm going to hop on the wave myself and use this day for a new, fresh start.

When Aretha started singing today I felt so proud of our country, how far black people had come through the fire and we all worked together to pull it off...It just was so emotional today...

My Afternoon With Niaem

My Afternoon With Niaem

I was heading out of my building when I ran in to my sweet neighbor "Niaem" We keep running into each other and the conversation is always about cycling. She sees me on my bike a lot and maybe thinks I'm somewhat of a "Pro"... Pro is right as in giant poser!

I was on the cusp of melancholy (my usual state) and I think she really wanted to ride with me. She was on her bike and ready to ride herself over to Sausalito. Being the "Knight in shining armor " I asked her if she'd like to ride with me...hmmm would she regret this? Soon we were riding and I was just making sure she would have a safe ride.At the polo fields

I was really impressed with her enthusiasm. She certainly loved cycling. I had always thought she might be Brazilian...boy! was I wrong...missed it by an ocean! She's from Iraq and living in America for the last five years. She was happy at getting her family out of there and they would be relocating in France very soon. She was looking forward to the trip there and was asking my about what I thought would be a nice fold up bike to take over there so she could ride.

I've been meeting some very nice and easy to get along with people lately, which has been fortuitous for me. I've been losing hope and confidence so bad lately. (The Universe is speaking). She told me a lot of things about her home country. Man George Bush hopelessly fucked that country up big time. It's over...un-salvageable situation! Again I'm so glad to see him go, just look at what he has done... She say's all the good people have gone and now it's just a complete mess.

We rode on and I realized just how pretty this woman was and nice to be with. We stopped at Velo Rouge Cafe and she wouldn't let me pay for my coffee and cake! Wow! this was a date!
Too bad we're both married...isn't that a big pain for me!

It turned out to be a nice and suprising day for me and I think she enjoyed herself. She even gave me a hug! : ) The beach was beautiful and lots of people in the park. I hope we ride again soon...I needed that break and it was nice to share an afternoon with a pretty woman.

Jane Doe...pass the whipped cream...

George out of the shadows
Inspiration point...Berkeley hills

Cliff's ride (in the middle) Ritch, Cliff, George...

First, let me apologize, never got to say goodbye to you guys...I really had my legs today...I was buckin like a bronco

I kind of got into a groove and over shot the Bart station and when I turned around there was a Starbucks right there, so I figured I'd grab a coffee and head back to see everyone off! The coffee turned in to a sandwich, then a conversation, pretty girls... then desert!
I would love some whipped cream on that one!!!!!!! yep I'm horny : (

After that I decided you guys had ditched me....ha ha : ) so I time trialed the "Three Bears" and ended up getting around 1K for the day. I'm really feeling the calling to race this year, even though I've been sick with this cold for close to three weeks now, the core engine is feeling great though.

I had a great time thanks Cliff and BTW I really thought you were younger than me!

Good to see you again Curtis, been too long! Bring Trish next time...way to much testosterone...Curtis the crazy guy....

I was hopeful in the beginning when Jane Doe showed up, but alas she was with the wrong ride and I set her straight or made her gay...

She was cute : ( She didn't even know how to strap her helmet on and her bike was only 2 weeks old...I wanted to marry her!More whipped cream please...

I am so weak when it comes to females, I turn completely brainless! What's up with that...? I used to get crush's a lot when I was younger with older woman, now I get em with every woman...I mean every woman.

That must be the signs of a mid life crisis. I wonder what woman think when I get goofy around them? Are they charmed, or do they think I'm a big Douche' ?

I need a time machine to go back with my present mindset to when I was 18...I would work it so differently than I did then! I would be a real ladies man...in a good way...
Life is fucked up sometimes. I didn't have enough fun in my teens, it was to intense and it all passed me by, but I think we all think that, so I'm not alone.

Enjoying Summer!

I've had a great Summer! Today I went to the beach. Getting over this horrible cold and shedding some stress, I figured it was time to take some time off and spend the afternoon sunning and biking...OK just biking with intermittent picture taking. The surfers far out numbered the bikers today at least in my neck of the woods. We'll all be so spoiled with this weather and Godsmacked when the cold weather comes back.What'd everyone do this summer? Any hookie with Golf, Tennis, Picnics this week? I could ride maybe ride Friday, if anyone is skipping work!

Best Friend Lost...

…It’s been years and yet I never really talked about this in depth to anyone, but it was so painful I think that I tuned it out. These days I’m letting everything meet me face to face. No more rocks unturned. I will deal with whatever comes my way…

Still the memories seem like yesterday. He had an infectious laugh. You think I’m bad around the gals? Ha! This guy could out dog me blindfolded. I used to tell people that we rode to the moon and back…and we did. He was with me when I won my first race. I remember how we worked together and I just pulled it off in the end. He wasn’t very happy for me. The two of us were very, very competitive and we both knew that.

His riding style was smooth and fluid. It was strange to me that I actually would love to watch someone pedal…He was artful, he was an artist. I learned a lot from him and so much of my riding style was derived from his superb technique. I’ve had people tell me they like my style of riding and I look like a pro, well I learned from the best.

He was not one to promote his problems, he kept things pretty light, I don’t think I ever once saw him get mad, and yes again he had a way with the ladies. I still to these days use a lot of his flirting chops! He was the the Casanova…He was an artist.

He was a photographer but yet I never had the opportunity to really see too much of it. I know married life was not easy for him sometimes, although he never talked about it there were dark places in his life. He had beautiful children. I remember when I heard he had been separated from his wife, it saddened me. I liked Bonnie very much and I can say I had a little crush on her and I told him that and He laughed! “You’re in love with my wife?” It was accepted and I’d always ask…isn’t Bonnie coming? He’d laugh! “Can we switch wives for a week?” We knew neither of them would ever agree.

I did my second Davis double with him, but we were competing and he won. I had more flats than him. To compare us I would say that I was a little rough around the edges. I had just come off years of addiction and still beat up from a hard life that I hadn’t learned how to deal with yet. I would have anger fits, I didn’t know at the time I was bi-polar. My teeth were bad I felt like a horrible person at the time…I was damaged, flawed, but He liked me and we were best friends. I wished I could be like him…part of me was jealous.

I remember how he liked my music and he and the gang came to see me play. I wish I had been the person I am now…I would have told him how much I really care and how cool he really was. I miss him, I miss the bike club “Allosuari’s”. We were a great bunch together. Thank God for the “NorCal club” now. I make sure to tell everyone how much I care for them. They think I’m sappy, but I don’t care, it’s important that they know. Some how the club fell by the wayside. People grew up, got married, moved, the usual things that get in the way. I really hadn’t seen anyone in about two years and then…

One month before he passed from this life I had an extraordinary experience…

I was driving a taxi and my hours would start 4am till whatever. At about 4:15 I get a dispatch to pick up at an address that seemed familiar…I thought, Wow! this is interesting. Larry was waiting outside and when he got in my cab it was a brilliant moment! I was surprised at how excited he was and how much he missed me. I remembered we were still best friends…we hadn’t changed. That was my all time favorite cab ride. We talked of the hundreds of experiences we had riding and laughed the stories we lived through again. I felt so sad when the door closed and just like that he was gone!

I received the call from my friend Dorothy…Pretty sure it was July of 97. Larry had had a catastrophic accident on the Marin Headlands, I’m still not sure what happened, all I know was that I was devastated. I went right to my bike and rode. I rode with Larry for the last time that day…it was tough. I cried at the memorial…I had never cried for a man before…I guess I loved the guy, he was an artist…

True Passion

Funny how life changes...

I moved here in 1983, on a rainy Christmas day. Never had I thought so many experiences and adventures would would come to pass in the last 25 years. That day in the rain really felt like the beginning of my life.

I had always wanted to since I can remember had a dream to live in Northern California. I had the great pipe dream of maybe becoming an almost famous musician. I never thought in a million years that my true passion would turn out to be cycling. I'd always been in love with riding and it gave me a rush then that it still gives me to this day. I loved the freedom, the individuality I felt. I was in control and where I went and how fast was only up to me and no one else.

Unfortunately I didn't take it seriously like music. If I had had my choice I think looking back now I would have really pursued the sport of cycling more so than my music. I feel like my music has brought me more drudgery and disappointment than cycling ever has. Even after a bad ride I feel good and as though I've accomplished something.

My first real job here was as a bike messenger. I probably could have gotten a lot more out of it and I'd probably be further ahead than I am now if I hadn't been such a mess of a human being. I had an awful lot of problems and really didn't understand myself until my first breakdown in the early 90's. That is the time period when things started to become much clearer to me.

To go back a little, I had quit drugs and alcohol in 85, smoking in 87. Right after that, I won my first bike race and had a tremendous spiritual rebirth, which unfortunately has dissipated to some extent. I've tumbled back a couple of times but landed on my feet again.

I guess some part of me believes in a creative "Oversoul". I almost feel like I just don't have the energy to devote to the searching and soul adjustment that is required for someone who seeks the spiritual life. With cycling there's always something around the next corner and some new experience to be had and the social benefits are beyond anything I could ever imagine. Trancendence seems to come easy on the bike. Unfortunately my spirit is stuck in the mud a bit right now. The winter doldroms and being sick really is not helping much with my state of mind.

Another thing is that I tend to over psych myself for events and the San Bruno race was pretty major for me more than anyone could know. It was a very intense personal challenge...I wanted to make good and I feel that I'm happy with what I've done, but now the depression. I need to build again. I'm very tired...like worldly tired like many of you are.

You...
That's another thing...I'm beginning to understand each and everyone of you...yes you! I didn't have a clue about you. Not realizing we are so much alike. We need each other. I thought at one time I could go on and isolate myself from you, but it doesn't work. Sometimes the pain I recieve from you is not your intention and I know that now. I now feel blessed that you are with me in this. You feel the pain I feel. I feel the pain that is yours. I understand you more. There is so much good of you that I have missed because I have been stuck inside myself for so long. I will listen to you closer and spend more time trying to understand what is in your words and actions

Yes, I never knew that day in the rain with that great geographic re-location that my life would change so much. That all of you and I would have so much depth of meaning. That together we tell the story of life...we dance and we sing through time and space. We need each other we will learn to love each other and ourselves and we will...die trying.

Thought I would just through that out there...

Pete

Compromised-Wake Up Call

This is the sickest I've been in a just over a year and it's kind of hanging on longer than I would like it to. I had almost forgotten that my immune system is at about a third of what a normal human beings is. I've been impatient and expecting a lot more of myself to get healthy, but I'm just coming to the realization that this will be a very slow process. I'm also on experimental drugs, so I have no idea of the how successful my therapy will be.

My CD4 or T cell count is getting better for sure but definitely below normal. Normal would be between 700-1500

If the number of CD4 cells in that drop of blood ever drops below 200 CD4 cells, you are classified as having AIDS. Simply put, experts have found that when your CD4 count drops below 200, your body's immune system is no longer strong enough to prevent illness and infection. Some of the most serious of these illnesses and infections are said to be AIDS defining.

Mine were at 169 when I was really sick and now at around the high 300's which is a hell of a lot better and I keep myself in shape, well at least try to. The real good thing is that the virus has become undetectable in my blood, so the drugs are working. The regimine is just a matter of discipline and I'm very disciplined with taking my pills. I haven't missed a single dose since I started over a year ago. The drugs I take are pretty heavy duty. One of them "Sustiva" is a real trip literally. I'm finally getting used to it, but it was a very scary drug in the beginning. You had to becareful and not take it with fatty foods or it would make you start tripping. The first time I took it was on Halloween night two Halloweens ago.

Nervous System Symptoms: Fifty-three percent of patients receiving SUSTIVA reported central nervous system symptoms (see WARNINGS: Nervous System Symptoms). Table 7 lists the frequency of the symptoms of different degrees of severity and gives the discontinuation rates in clinical trials for one or more of the following nervous system symptoms: dizziness, insomnia, impaired concentration, somnolence, abnormal dreaming, euphoria, confusion, agitation, amnesia, hallucinations, stupor, abnormal thinking, and depersonalization.

abnormal thinking, and depersonalization. That's scary shit! I had a couple of bad episodes of depersonalization where I thought I was dying and getting absorbed into the Universe, but not in a good way! It actually set off panic attacks which I'm now taking medication for.

Man...I have a lot of baggage, but I fight to get better. If I didn't have some financial assistance through S.F.General and UCSF Medical I really don't know what I'd do! I probably wouldn't be alive right now blogging away... I'm supposed to ride tomorrow and I plan to, but I'll take it a bit easier than I usually do. The mental health benefits outweigh the physical at least in my book.

Mt Tam Ride: A Mid Winters Day Dream

Great ride to you guys! Nice and mellow.

Welcome Johnathan (photogeek) the new guy. Great to have you with us!


I met up with Chris, Jon, Jack at the Ferry building and we were running late, Richard couldn't make it for his sick kids needed his Fatherly assistance...Sorry to hear that Richard, see you next time.

Marco and Ruth had to bail, so we met up with Ramon & Ron at the bridge.



The sky was Steel blue and crisp, the Golden Gate bid us a safe and mellow crossing. We made some great time with the bold leader; Gladiator Humongous Erectus at the helm!


We paused for a nutrition stop at Mikus of Bikus, near the ficus which was very niceus!

I trumped my young warriors up Corte Madera grade...actually I could hear them whispering and laughing at "Old Gaseous Fartus" wasting his gas through the hill and dale!


Soon we took the twists and turns through the forests of San Anselmo to arrive in Fairfax and paused at the office of the Sheriff to lend our hands to "Mother Nature". We then climbed ourselves out of the chill...Ramon reminded us that it would get warmer as we got closer to the sun...That made quite a bit of sense...we must have gotten very close to the sun for I did notice a great amount of "hot air" all about.


At the great "Dam of the Alpine" we crossed paths with the Klan of "PeterBilt"

and were much taken by the beautiful red haired maiden where Sir Ron announced that we were about to mount the F***ing 7 sisters...An odd pronouncement indeed! We climbed and watched for raining deer!

We then took turns mounting the "Seven Sisters" and were quite warn down with all this tithe-ring after awhile...The views made us ecstatic and we soared down the mountain with ease.


Chris and I stopped for a hot brew while the others hurried back to the kingdom back across the moat. I took Chris through a bugger of a journey through the great city and soon I back in my lair feasting of Scones and Cows milk...Great ride my brothers as I must reiterate...